Travel Log #5

June 9, 2009

I suppose I am good at getting into schools and programs, and at beating out just about anyone. Then there's a brick wall because I can get in all I want but I am the opposite of the presumption: I am not rich. I am, quite literally, below the poverty line; and I am no magician. Gold coins do not come tumbling out of the air. But this is fair. I am a capitalist up to a point and thus must make my ow luck and my own fortune. I must also suffer my own defeats and blame no one but myself. I must take my disappointments in stride. My motto has never changed since I first adopted it, and I hold true: "The buck stops here." It does. Complaining about the selfishness of others or the misfortunes of the past do no one any good. Perhaps this is for the best.

"What happens to a dream deferred?" I do an about-face on it and take a detour, or I come up with other dreams, lesser dreams, or dreams that are strung up like a ladder, rung by rung, so that I can reach them one-by-one, a step at a time, instead of one big leap. Not all dreams are First Contact with the moon.

Oh, but all is well. It will just take some time. I have Germany, after all...It seems to me an injustice; it is the same injustice I see the world over, across all variety of human activity and interaction. By some whim, I don't even know whose, some lives are worth more than others, some deserve more pity, or less. Individuals are judged before they are met by a presumption. Don't assume a thing, I say, until we've talked it over. Do not judge.

So, Israel will have to wait, I believe, but hopefully not forever. Graduate school will have to wait. Friendships will have to wait. But Time does not wait and the ends holds no boundaries. I've already resumed my job search. Let's hope something comes to fruition. Or that a miracle happens.

Still, I think it's sad that miracles have to be wasted on money when I've seen them materialize into so much more: lives. I won't waste my miracles. The biggest one has already happened and thus, I have nothing more to ask. So, Israel can wait, a year, maybe two, maybe three. I'll survive with my head in work and books until then. I'll survive in dancing and wait for my partner to materialize out of thin air.

"This is new to me, angel," says the Little Girl. "I am not sad."
"Aah, yes," says Uriel. "You have truly, now, hardened your heart."
"I feel it but it's not killing me."
"No. You do not ask why life isn't fair. You have accepted the answer as Truth, as you have accepted me. Therefore, no time is wasted of your mortal life on the contemplation or mourning of that which cannot be. But I warn you, Little Girl, allow yourself to cry at least once, one tear, for you have finally accepted the gift of holy. Do not accept it completely."
"Will I be a Seraph, then?"
The angel laughs.
"No, Little Girl. You will be someone who is lost and who fits neither into the world of the living nor into the world of the dead."
"You really don't like emulation, do you?"
"No. But what would you expect to be? We angels are cursed to holy but we wouldn't trade it for a lifetime, merely a moment. Of course, we cannot have either. Human beings, I am sure, would mistakenly trade mortality for deification. That is your gift and your curse, Little Girl. In your quest to be of my kind, you would transcend me and become a goddess. The holiness of angels is bad enough. I do not wish to think of it in respect to a god."
"I'm only saying it feels different. I'm not looking to leave the earth."
"Good, then. Have I done my duty?""
"Yes, Uriel. I am comforted."
The angel bows its head.
The Little Girl goes back to the world.

June 17, 2009

It's been a while. I basically gave up on going to Israel because I have no funding and no one will help me within the Jewish community in Atlanta, stating that it is "unethical to help an individual" whatever that means. I have a $1500 deposit to hold my place in OTZMA due Monday. Let's just say that for all of my cynicism, I remain dichotomic: I hold the world both dear and repulsive simultaneously, hopeful and hopeless, etc. etc. People disgust me but they also make me happy. And let's just say that help and good will comes from anywhere, even unthought of and surprising places. For the first time in a while, I believe that I will be putting my faith in people for once. Not people I thought I would be putting faith into, but people, nonetheless. We'll see how it all plays out.

Either way, I've been praying hard and hoping more than I've hoped in a long time. My letter with my plea for help funding my year in Israel has gone out to a million people and people are responding for once. I am hopeful. I work and then I wait.

What's playing in the background? Jackson Browne: "Late for the Sky"
I saw him in concert three years ago with my then-friend James at the Philadelphia Folk Festival. It was great. When I was there I happened to sit next to a woman who had a guest pass around her neck...issued to her by Jackson himself. She told me to send her a demo. I never did. But perhaps she'll remember me and listen and like what she hears.

For the past two weeks, I've been doing more than scrambling for funds for Israel. I've been going to the gym, trying out Zumba and Yogalates classes. I'm so sore but feel really good and, as usual, once I start, start shrinking so fast that it scares me. In eight days I've gone down one size. I still miss dancing. The Yoga instructor is an ex-Broadway dancer, out of Britain, who came over while performing with the show "Cats". We started talking about dancing and she said that she thought I was a dancer when she saw me just because of the way I move. That surprised me. I didn't think it was that apparent in ME. But I suppose so. Then we started talking about setting up ballroom classes at the JCC here, which would be splendid.

On other notes, I finally started working on my book, Early Silver, again. And reading for the Leo Baeck program. I've been slacking like no other on the reading. I read five books in three days of a series, just for fun. James Patterson. Seriously...not my favorite of eloquent writers but seriously good for brain mush food and entertainment. All a great procrastination technique to avoid Amos Elon's straight history text, The Pity of It All: A Portrait of the German-Jewish Epoch 1743-1933. I thought it was supposed to make things clearer, but now I'm more thoroughly confused about how the Holocaust came to be than ever before. I still have about 150 pages to go. I read 100 today. A record for this kind of book. But that's how I work when I'm on a deadline for school or work. Efficiently and quickly.

The temperature was around 95 today. Not too bad, actually. And it's supposed to start raining again next week. We've been getting extreme torrential downpours lately and we're almost out of the drought! Over the weekend, I took my first solo road trip to visit my friend Steve in Alabama and there was an AMAZING tornado-esque storm about two hours after I arrived. The air pressure was insane, thunder and lightning everywhere. Rain coming down with drops the size of me from the waste up. Serious rain. I loved it. The wind was so strong, trees were bent all the way over to the ground.

Playing in the background now: The Eagles, "Best of My Love"

Anyhow, I'll keep you posted. I leave for England in two weeks from today. July 1. Then, the adventure begins. After Europe, like I said, I'll either go on to Israel or pray that one of the jobs I've applied for comes through. I'm also applying for more in the meantime. I suppose I'll just have to wait. Until then...