End of Kipple #1

October 31, 2010

More adventures of working during my last bit of time in the States. Working retail jobs gets really entertaining when you think about the irony of it all. Like I mentioned, people automatically think I and my co-workers are idiots because we work behind a cash register. But we know who the real idiots are.

Yesterday was a prime example. First of all, I was scheduled on a Saturday. Again. The one day I do not have availability. Ever. For the sixth week in a row.

Anyhow, I get there and the strip mall paradise-of-posh is exploding like fireworks on Chinese New Year with children in costume under the age of ten. Followed by lots of pissed-off disgruntled parents dealing with too many children jacked up on sugar highs.

The line at work was about eight miles long and all of us were thinking that now would be the perfect moment to collapse and feign death. At least it wasn't mop night.

Everything went wrong. The refrigerator/RTD case that had been broken for three weeks until two days ago decided to start flooding the lobby, with the temperature fluctuating between 30 and 43 F every sixty seconds. Perfect.

The only way tot fix this, since the troubleshooter handbook does not list this "error," is to turn off the case via circuit breaker. Whoever labeled the circuit breaker was just brilliant and confused book side with cafe side (but only sometimes), so when I went to turn off the case I ended up turning off all the lights int he cafe and all the computers in the staff room. Oops.

While looking for the actual switch, which ends up being labeled "deli-something-or-other", I come across a switch labeled "Fart Fan". WTF is that, may I so humbly ask?

Then, in the middle of everything, we get the worst nightmare customers possible. In the middle of that, my co-worker left the sink on for I-have-no-idea-how-long, so I walked into a flooding kitchen with bubbles six feet high. Yay for floods. Everywhere.

As for the customers, I can't believe how incredibly genius they are. And how caring.

One woman walks in and stares intently at the food case. She order a "cinnamon pecan coffee cake".
I give it to her and she says, "No. That's not what I ordered." So I repeat "cinnamon pecan coffee cake". She says, "Yes. But I wanted this," and points to the banana bread.

I say, "That's banana bread."
She says, "But the sign says it's cinnamon pecan coffee cake."
"I'm sorry," I say. "Someone must have made a mistake earlier in the day. Would you rather get the banana bread?"
"No. I hate banana bread. I want the cinnamon pecan."
"Well, you've got it," I say and push the plate towards her.
And she says, "But I wanted that..." and points to the banana bread.
O_o
"If you want cinnamon pecan, I'd go with what I gave you," I say. "And if you want banana bread, I'd go with what you're pointing at."
She says: "I don't like bananas."

Kill me now.

Then, there's the guy who orders a Large Decaf. I give him a Large Decaf. He says "Didn't I order a Large?"
I say, "Yes. That's what your holding."
He says, "You better not be pulling a Starbucks on me."
And I say, "We're not Starbucks."
He says, " Well, when I order a Tall at Starbucks, it means small."
"When you order a Large here, it means Large," I say. He tells me to show him the sizes. Small. Medium. Large.
He says, "Well, this is too much for me. Spill it out." I spill it out into a Small cup. He looks at the board.
"You know, in English, we read from left to right," he informs me. As if I'm illiterate. "And your sign lists Large on the left and Small on the right, which is false advertising and counter-intuitive. I wanted a Small."
"But you said 'Large'," I say.
"I want to complain," he responds.
"Ok. Feel free to fill out one of our customer comments/complaints cards on the condiment station and tell Corporate how stupid they are. Have a great night."

Then there was the woman who told us that our hot chocolate (seriously one of the best drinks EVER) was the "most disgusting drink she'd ever had in her life". We fixed it for her and she said it was great, then sent her boytoy over to us to complain and get a refund.

And then there was the woman who got pissed because she didn't like waiting in line with ONE person in front of her for thirty seconds. So she stormed out and threw her book at a sales person.

I give up. Retail can go die.